Hi, you can call me CWN. I am at that stage in life where I feel I had started panicking about not finding anyone I felt I could get seriously involved with. Finding that partner to do life and love with seemed all so elusive. I was disillusioned and reeling from the hurt of past romantic involvements, that to me seemed held the promise of a future, but I soon found out how mistaken I was. One thing to know about me, is that I love with all my heart, infact some would say I love too intensely and that I trust too blindly. I had been sharing these experiences with my dear friend SN. SN had been through the Alabastron Renewing Self programme. I told her how lonely I felt and how unfruitful the search for love had been so far. I felt that at 37 years of age, I wanted to share the rest of my life with somebody special. As I introspected about my love life, I also realized that I was actually discontented about many aspects of my life. Between the hurt and the disillusionment, I really was not sure what to do. In talking to my friend, SN, she told me about Alabastron Network Trust’s programme Renewing Self. I had come across Alabastron in passing on social media, but learning that my dear friend had walked the journey, helped me gain a better understanding about the ministry and convinced me to participate. I am so glad I did. [...]

The alarm goes off, I reach for it, trying to shut off the buzzer before that irritating ring goes off again. Fingers fumbling, eyes barely open, I am barely awake, but I feel it finally and press the button. Aaaaah, silence at last! A new day, it’s Monday! It’s Monday, the emptiness floods in. I look across the vast king size bed, it used to be our playground, he’s starting to stir too, his back is towards me. I miss life, I miss living. What happened, when did life become so dull, so grey, so drab? I don’t want to get out of bed, can’t I just turnover and go back to sleep? I hear the sound of the day starting downstairs, the little voices, arguing over who gets to sit where at the family table. Oh, the ruckus, would they just be quiet.

He starts to turn towards me, I freeze, please don’t say good morning! It’s morning, but why is it good? Do you know what is going on in my head? And… there it comes, “Good morning darling”, he says as he moves closer, the scent of him, oh, there was a time, I was intoxicated by him, now I…am just blah! I feel anesthetized. Am I even alive? What does it mean to be alive, if this is living, then this is not what I signed up for! I can’t just keep going through the motions. I hug him back, I smile, numb, my emotions unstirred. That tingle of joy, the tickle where did it go? Who have I become? I want to feel alive, I want to feel my heart flutter, my cheeks blush, the rush of blood to my face, when I look at him or when I catch him looking at me in that sultry way that he does. [...]

She unbuckles herself and jumps out of the bumper cars. She looks around eagerly as she wonders which ride to try next. Her girlfriends are with her, it’s a girls’ day out. A throwback to days gone by, spending a day at the Luna Park. There is hustle and bustle all around. Grown ups and children alike are having a wonderful time. She is laughing, the deep belly laughs of her childhood, tears of joy streaming down her face. It’s so long since she just let go. They run together to the dancing giant tea cups, the teacup shaped rides that swing and swoop in figure eights and circles around the ride’s designated area. The bells, whistles, lights, and music lend to the atmosphere of cheer. They are all talking together. They are giggling, reminiscing times gone by when the visited the attractions at the Annual Agricultural Show and the Luna Park when it came to town. Oh wow, those were the days, the sun on your skin, running and chortling without a care in the world. Is that still possible as an adult? Is it possible to feel so vital? “It is,” she tells herself, “Look at yourself now.” The ride ends and off to the next one they go. [...]

Let me briefly take you to my past so we can all set off from the same departure point. Mmmmh…you see…part of it I can’t even recall. Okay, before Alabastron, I, Rhomel was a broken lady. Not only did I live in the dark but I danced and dined there too. I was in a long-distance relationship with my daughter’s father. The once angelic and romantic relationship of weekends filled with roses and colored-scented candle surprises turned abusive. Before I knew it, we were in the courts, battling for child custody. I won.

The experience marred the way I viewed and related to men. My opinion of men was far from flattering, which I learned through the programme was a residue from childhood and past experiences. Growing up, my life was that of ‘survival of the fittest’. Our father died very early in my childhood, when I was barely 3 years old and my mother was partially deaf. In childhood, I had a good relationship with my siblings, which was shattered along the way, to a point where we could not speak to each other, for a year or so. One of my brothers is mentally-ill and living with him also caused me some physical and mental harm. [...]

“I’m ok!”, is my standard answer. I roll my eyes and wonder, why do people keep asking me if I am ok, don’t I look ok? Leave me alone! Can’t you see, how ok I am? I am put together, I am Ms. Me. I have my stuff together, I have the house, the job and a loving relationship with a guy who loves me. I am happy, aren’t I or shouldn’t I be?

Night falls. I am all alone. Gosh, it’s so quiet. What do I do? It’s time to sleep but I don’t want to go to bed. It’s too lonely. Oh! I feel so empty, so alone. I look at the clock, it’s 9.30pm. Wisdom says it is time to wind down for the day, the weekend and start preparing for the new week. Time to check my diary and get ready for the new week, take my shower, slow down, read, meditate, pray, stretch; all those things I read in the glossy magazines, hear from my pastor, and the growing plethora of podcasts and sources of advice.

The phone rings. I look at the caller ID, it’s him. “Hey babe.” He says in his sultry voice. “It’s been a minute, why so quiet? Are you ok?” Again, that question, will everyone stop asking me that inane baseless question! I AM ok! Ok! I roll my eyes, smile and say sweetly, “All is well, sweets, good to hear from you. How have you been?” I don’t feel like all is well though, are those tears welling up? Oh, my goodness, I better not start crying. I make a lame excuse about running the bath, he tries to protest, but I cut it all short. I don’t feel like explaining. What am I even explaining, I don’t understand what is going on! I am ok, I am ok, aren’t I? Panic is rising in me. [...]